What is it about Thanksgiving that has people in a mood to do nothing the next day? It's the turkey. Blame all the laziness on the gawd damn turkey. I didn't have much of the turkey last night, but it has me feeling like I ate 90 pounds worth of food.
Most people also get to putting up the Christmas tree on this day. I'm for it. It's whatever. So now my tree sits in the corner all nice and decorated. The kids had fun putting up all of the stuff on the tree. It hasn't been a happy day though. Like you guys read last night or early this morning, my wife's boyfriend and his son are here at my house. Now most of you that I am a pretty easy going person with opinions about most things. I tend to keep to myself sometimes because it is easier than trying to explain what it is I do and whatnot. As you might have guessed, I have been keeping to myself while trying to play an active role in my kids live's since I have gotten back from sea. This has been made exponentially harder because I have to learn how to deal with all of this while trying to learn how to adult all over again. For the last seven years, I have been catered to and things have been taken care of for me. It has been nice, but it has also made me feel incredibly dumb. I'm sure that after a bit of an adjustment period, I 'll be able to adult to just fine on my own again. That's besides the point though. The one thing I look forward to after the Thanksgiving feasting is the putting up of the Christmas tree. It brings me great joy to put the star on top of my tree. I get one of the kids to help out and they sit on my shoulders and we put up the star together. Close up on the boyfriend and his son. They put the star up on my Christmas tree this year and I'm not too happy about it. I even voiced my opinion on it because this is the last time that we will have the children together under one roof for the holidays. Yes, I'm getting a divorce and we will have split custody of the children. They will have two of everything now because of this. That isn't the part that bothers me. I know, strange isn't it. You would think that would be the thing that bothers me. It doesn't. It's the not being able to put the damn star up on my Christmas tree with my children. I haven't even put on my own Christmas ornaments because I'm still too upset to do it. I feel invisible in my own damn house.
I've been so accommodating and friendly and trying not to cause problems with everyone that is involved. The kids don't need to see that and I have to teach them how to properly treat a lady no matter what kind of bullshit situation they find themselves in. It has been very hard for me. I've also been trying to better myself and not be a jerk or an asshole. I've also been trying to not yell at the kids so much because I was always doing that. Now, I'm just being gentle yet firm when the need arises. I'm to the point where I'm just here and wishing I was out to sea again. Things are so much easier that way. It's not that I don't want to be at home with my kids, it's just that I know that the only person I have to worry about is me. No one has to worry about me because I'm as safe as safe can be when you are surrounded on all sides by tons and tons of water. Do I want to be out to sea all the time? No, but I also don't want to be invisible and useless in my own house. I can't help cook or clean or do much of anything except for the things that my ex doesn't want to do because apparently that is all I'm good for. I give baths and brush teeth. Do the occasional punishment when I catch the kids doing things they aren't supposed to be doing. Literally that is all that I do around here now. I mean yeah, I take care of my kids and I hang out with them and I do stuff with them, but the problem I have is that the star on the tree is my thing and it was taken away from me. Oh, go ahead and say that I can do it next year, but I might not be here next year for the holidays. I could quite possibly be underneath the water again, who knows?
Alright, enough about my problems. Sorry guys and gals, I had to vent that out because I needed to just get it off my chest. Ironically, this is the whole reason why I started this in the first place. Now as I sit here listening to the T.V. as it plays the newest episodes of the Gilmore Girls, I'm trying to find my center to get back to the level of relaxation that I want to be at. I should probably find some sort of alcohol and down a few of them right after I throw a pinch of Copenhagen Wintergreen in my lip. Don't judge me. I have horrible habits that I enjoy immensely. I'm 30 years old people. I'm to the point where I will do what I like and I really don't plan on changing for anyone. Like me how you see me or don't. I don't plan on getting married again. There will be no more children birthed from these loins. I'll be in a long term committed relationship that makes me happy. That's all I want. No games. No drama. Just a relationship that is built on mutual trust and happiness. One where we know that life is busy and we just have to find a way to make time for each other. That's what I need. A person who can handle some baggage that I have and can deal with my kids. Ha! You all thought I was calling my kids baggage. For shame!! But for real, I'm tired of the bullshit. I want something that makes me happy and that will push me in the right direction.
Well, it's time for me to go figure out what I intend to do with the rest of my day. As long as it doesn't involve staying up until 2 in the morning playing video games, I think I'll be alright. Call of Duty lured me in last night with it's multiplayer and zombie mode. I couldn't stop it.
I'm OUT!!!!
Wickid
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